Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
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asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.