me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!