friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
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I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen