genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
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Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
the #horror is real!
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.