hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
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Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.