Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
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Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Last-minute gift idea!
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.