The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
You Might Also Like
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.