“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
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That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus