Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
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My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Quadruple digit IQ
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Tier 3 meme
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.