Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
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Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air