Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
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Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
and now we wait
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.