My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
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Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
these two trucks have the same bed length
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display