Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
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welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN