me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
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My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.