[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
You Might Also Like
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Can’t stop laughing
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.