If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
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TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes