Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
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message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
それは草
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain