her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
You Might Also Like
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.