him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
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<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies