Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
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Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
This is a bad sign
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
me linking you to my twitter
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”