Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
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My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Bruh PLEASE
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift