They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
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My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together