When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
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I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
How your email finds me
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…