I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
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I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
(Musicians.)
dam girl
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*