8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
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me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I wish I could veto my bills.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
How did we not see this back then?
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
🙅🏻
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card