Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
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Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
*names my little horse OneTrick*
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results