Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
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There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.