In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
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why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140