People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
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I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.