I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
You Might Also Like
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
My birth announcement for our third baby
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Thrilling chase underway
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe