When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
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“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me