Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
You Might Also Like
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere