he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
You Might Also Like
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
i spent way too long on this
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat