boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
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I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal