I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
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“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
some cats are just doing for fun!
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Two types of dogs.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
🙂🐾
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.