“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
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We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
My love language is deader than Latin
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.