°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
You Might Also Like
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
waiting for halloween be like:
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?