When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
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No, he would not have.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.