HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
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british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.