My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
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Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*