Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
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I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what