A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
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Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
“Wait, let me explain..”
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.