MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
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Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Whisper out to librarians!
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.