My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
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You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Help Wanted
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.