Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
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Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
When you’re Kinky but poor
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes