Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
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Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
i baked you a cake