It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
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horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Krampus.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.