my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
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The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.