WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
You Might Also Like
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
only 11 steps left
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Beware of fowl play.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
If you love someone, let them tweet.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out