Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
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[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep